Mostly, I Hate This Economic Downturn Because It Makes Me Seem Shallow When I Complain About My Personal Life

Where to begin?

So I wake up this morning, only to discover that I'm out of carb-free breakfast food. Like an animal, I'm forced to eat a sourdough baguette with marmalade my parents got me as a souvenir from some backwater port of call in France. I'm about to text my displeasure to some friends, in order that they might respond with sympathy or an Atkins drop, but then I realize that one of them is laid off and the other has some issue with her child (eating, or medicine, or something) and I don't want to seem "insensitive" as I've been accused before.

Jeesh!

Then, on my way to the dentist's (!) this morning, some guy in a battered minivan cuts me off and I get a flat tire from hitting the curb. He just drives off, of course. Uninsured, I bet, now he is going to squander that money on things like diapers, gas payments and (shudder) sustenance grains for his family. What about my needs, and those of my two-door coupe?

Argh!

Then I get to the dentist's. The hygienist, who reminds me of my grandmother, asks if I had braces as a kid, if I had my wisdom teeth out, etc. Um, DUH. Teeth this nice just don't happen by themselves. Then the dentist announces I have a small cavity. My insurance covers it, but there's a copay!

Are you shaking your head in disbelief, too?

After the dentist's, I go to the tire place. They can't repair the tire, but turns out all my tires need replacing. It seems--in general--that when tires lose their treads and become smooth as obsidian glass they are what is known as "bald" and transform the car into a sort of death-trap. "You know, it's actually a good thing that guy cut you off," the mechanic says, swiping my credit card. "In a way, maybe he saved your life."

"It's a good thing your manager isn't around," I stammer inwardly, as I insist outwardly that I keep the 75% off coupon, in case there are any problems later, as he thanks me again for the business and offers a free tune-up and oil-change.

Unbelievable!

I guess President Obama is on the television right now, sowing words of hope, courage and wisdom during this economic crisis. I know I should be watching; I am okay today, but like many people, the downturn could affect me directly tomorrow.

But, until that day comes, is it wrong that I only want to watch if someone buys me a giant plasma screen TV? Don't get me wrong, it's not that I deserve a new television. It's just that I feel guilty for being so shallow, and when I feel guilty the only thing that makes me feel better is large electronics. Go figure!

You Know What's REALLY Freaking Crazy?

Taking the right to marry away from folks.

Like, in America.

Please show your family values and preserve the institution of marriage. Please, contribute any amount you can to the No on 8 Campaign.

I did, and I live in a hut. And now I don't have the money to buy my weekly ice-cream at the Sundae Shoppe. Which really sucks, because store-bought is not an option for me, either (I don't own a freezer, or at least not one of those fancy "sub-zero" models). But if I must sacrifice my sole pleasure in life, so be it. The stakes are high, and the people flying the flag of bigotry are wealthy and many in number.

Here are some delightful No On 8 PSAs I've cobbled together from Youtube. Enjoy!








Fight on!!

RIP Washington Mutual

The failure of Washington Mutual is bittersweet for me.

On the one hand, I'm sad for people to lose their jobs, and for the financial situation of the country to become even more precarious. I'm also annoyed that the answer to solving our banking crisis seems to be more consolidation, which appears to be part of how we got into this whole mess in the first place. I also can't believe some Republicans still think a hands-off, deregulated approach is the answer. I just don't understand how or why conservatives can tell people what to do in the bedroom but not the boardroom.

On the other hand, I've told countless WaMu customer service agents that--although it "wasn't their fault"--their company "nonetheless totally sucked," before I hung up in a big huff. (Well, this entailed gently tapping the pretty red button on my iPhone screen, which probably wasn't all that dramatic for the person on the other end...but I didn't say goodbye!)

I feel bad about that now. Yes, Washington Mutual had more hidden fees than they did banking locations, and they also began implanting RFID chips in their ATM cards. (Maybe it's just me, but as much laborious effort as it takes to swipe my card, the added conveience of wirelessly transmitting my payment across the counter for that bag of cheetos doesn't cancel out the risk of someone stealing my account info. So, sedate and even-tempered guy that I am, I immediately took a screwdriver and hammer to my card. Here's how.)

So, in conclusion, maybe if Washington Mutual had spent a little less time with their tag and release program, backing super-risky mortgages, and being generally horrible otherwise, and had spent a little more effort with customer service and not being horrible, this whole mess wouldn't have happened.

Sorry to see you go, WaMu. But for the last few years at least, you should have seen this coming...

Sarah Palin Crazy? Sarah Palin CRAZY.

I promise to return to blogging about the real issues, soon. Like how I was forced to screwdriver into my new ATM card after I discovered that Washington Mutual implanted an RFID chip in it. You can't catch me! I remember this moment vividly, too, because while I was burrowing through the plastic laminate there was also a commercial on television featuring a celebrity whose name I couldn't remember, which always drives me nuts. So you can expect a good half-dozen posts on that fascinating evening alone.

Before embarking on this or other enthralling non-political rollercoasters, however, I have just a few more things to get off my chest about this whole Sarah Palin business.

I agree with everyone who says she is a distraction. The Republicans do enjoy their smoke and mirrors. But if John McCain is trying to hide his wrinkles, I believe he picked the wrong woman.

Oh, I think it's wonderful that he chose a female running mate. A step in the right direction, I say. But McCain erred by picking youth over intelligence, tact, possession of any moral compass, etc. So I'm not onboard.

I would suggest that McCain take another look at his contemporaries, like Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo. Those gals knew how to use smoke and mirrors to hide their wrinkles. Nor were they afraid of a good strong fill-light and a little Vaseline on the lens. I bet they could give McCain some pointers.

Both dead you say? Shucks.

Here are a few observations that may help us decide whether or not we want Sarah Palin next in line to become president.

1) I know at least several proud Wal-Mart moms who don't consider Sarah Palin to be their "leader." Actually, they're quite insulted by the notion. It horrifies them that a small-minded, vindictive, mealy-mouthed simpleton who wants to ban abortion even in the case of rape or incest has appointed herself as their spokeswoman. Because Wal-Mart moms are smart, and they can see a wolf in sheep's clothing (or an elitist lipsticked pig wrapped in a Wal-Mart blanket) a mile away.

2) Okay, so I know how most people find this blog. That is, my statcounter lists the keywords that folks type into Google. The most popular keywords BY FAR for the past week (and I'm talking hundreds)? "Sarah Palin crazy" followed by "sarah palin crazy?" and "sarah palin is crazy."

I would like to think the world knows that the fastest way to get to my previous Sarah Palin blog entry is to type the above keywords. Yet my last post doesn't even mention Sarah Palin being crazy. The Google search bot, however, in its infinite wisdom, has pulled "Sarah Palin" from the post and "Crazy" from my blog title.

While I'm glad people are surfing on in, it really depresses me that--apparently--many people searching on Google want to know if Sarah Palin is crazy (?) or want confirmation for their suspicions (.)

Unless, of course, it's Sarah Palin trying to find a URL for herself that's not already taken. I can't blame her; I think "totallynotcrazy.com" would have helped her stay on message.

Sorry, Sarah, but I'm not selling it to you, no matter how much you offer. Because in your case, and given your record, I'm totallynot sure it's true.

Sarah Palin. Really?

John McCain has finally lost his mind. Admittedly I am a stalwart Obama supporter--now that Hillary's out of the running. But, at one point, I at least had a little respect for McCain.

Those days are over.

Sarah Palin. Really?

Normally, I'm all for book-burning middle-aged women who celebrate their 17-year-old daughters' decision to have children and marry the guys who, in some states, would be considered statutory rapists.

I think such women should be allowed to attend bake sales and live down the street from me, where I could whisper about them and their screwed-up morals. That's the America I know and love.

Call me insane, but I don't think this person should be allowed to run the country. And let's face it, if McCain wins, that's not a complete hypothetical.

Oh, and don't even get me started on how "the 'liberal' media is attacking Sarah Palin's personal life." And don't tell me her personal life should be off-limits in the first place. Because it seems only the embarrassing aspects of her life are off limits. And nothing was ever off limits for the Clintons.

Sarah Palin. You gossip about that. You don't elect it to vice-president.